This week I had a heart breaking situation happen to me. It was more about me being me and not realizing it’s me…
I had a couple system crashes this week. I’ve been having them a lot over the past few months. The video data is way too much for my computer and I keep running out of disc space. It’s a real pain as every 3 – 4 days I have to delete files to make room for new content that is created.
It’s been a really tough week for me this week. I have to say… this past Monday, for the first time… I wanted to quit and end my career as Mikey. With constant system failures, a few cranky people emails from fans that aren’t happy with me and etc… I just hit a limit this week that was so upsetting for me.
My surreal moment came. With the screen of death… I needed to delete photos to get my system operational so I could at least get unlocked from being stopped. I was going through Photo Booth shots… Picture after picture of me sitting in front of my computer that have been used over the past 2 years… As I flipped through… I am looking more tired as the months past…
I kept flipping having the moment of seeing myself transform weight issues and my overall look. I then hit a pick that just floored me… My gawd… When did I take that shot? I looked like I was hit by a bus… I sat back in my chair in horror… only to realize the photo wasn’t a photo… It was a live shot of me. I was sitting still and not realizing that it wasn’t a photo until I sat back in my chair. A huge sadness over swept me… What am I doing to myself
In the effort to please people, I’m wearing myself out. I’m a people pleaser and don’t like to say no… So I say yes to more things than I should. If I am cornered and see that I cannot do something and say no… it typically generates in responses from others that are negative… which then I feel pressured to take on more because I feel badly… but I think my own ways are ruining me.
I feel extremely lazy if I take time off and I cannot handle it as I feel I am letting people down.
I’m a workaholic and I don’t know how to break this cycle… While others have addictions to drugs or alcohol… my addiction is work. While I get a high off working, it suppresses my need for rest and keeping my life in balance. I always say that I am going to take a few hours off here and there throughout the week but it never happens. I’m upset with myself as I cannot seem to break my own habit.
I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with me… My mind is constantly busy working on the next content item for my audience. I’m working 6 months ahead in my mind… From my day of working, I dream of ideas in my sleep and wake up to remember them to make them a reality… I immediately get out of bed and check my email and start working from the minute I get up.
My To Do List never ends… and I can make it extremely large… when I think I am done… it doesn’t take much for me to create another loaded to do list.
To admit to my fans… My teenage years were hell. Though my family was good to me… life outside of the house was a living nightmare for me. Most kids who go through high school can relate to the bullying and peer pressure. While feeling like an absolute waste of a human being in school. Being reminded by others that I am wasting oxygen on this planet. One person encouraged me to end my life and I tried several times… but failed. I got myself a job where I didn’t feel like I was a waste. I felt useful, helpful and loved the gratification of being appreciated. So while in high school I would carry a knife to protect myself, though it was never needed. I was afraid, alone and classify this as the worst 4 years of my life. The element of working allowed me to feel like I mattered.
Over my lifetime… the element of working… I think from my teenage years has stuck with me. While it helps me to make me successful today as I have a lot of goals and perseverance to follow through. It’s also my downfall as I don’t know how to turn off.
I thought I would be really honest tonight in my blog… I know many of my followers struggle with one thing or another. I’m not perfect and don’t want others to think that I am…
Thanks for listening.